Call Me Old Fashioned-and Meandering

I remember my Grandmothers, Aunts and Moms complaining about how the "younger generation" had lost its moral compass.  They were describing those of us who grew up in the late 1960's to early 1980's, and they were correct.  What our grandmothers knew and taught as morality was definitely changing.  Women were coming into their own.  People were starting to get more tolerant, and communal.  My generation made a difference more important than a paycheck, for the most part.

Now I'm a grandma. I complain about how the "younger generation" has lost its sense of responsibility.  I view it as all convoluted.  Lets start with having an allowance.  Somewhere along the line we, as parents, started thinking our kids needed money.  One thing led to another and now twelve year olds  have cell phones and teenagers go abroad.  The missing piece is that we didn't make them earn it.  Gone are the days of the dollar a week (and only if you did ALL of your assigned chores and didn't get into any other sort of trouble).   With the rate of inflation, that's about $6.  If that couldn't pay for all the "expenses" of being a kid then teenager, well we got jobs.  We babysat, or worked fast food, or simply forwent those things we were wishing for.

Now, if you don't provide what many term "reasonable" support for your kid you are in deep trouble.  If you're not being asked to defend your choices before some child protection agency, you're getting skewed on social media.  Then suddenly, at 18, they have few skills and fewer opportunities.  So you're stuck with them for several more years, hoping they will get it together and start a life of their own.

I get it though.  We work to keep their bellies fed and drive them to

their ballet classes.  We spend time at their games or school functions.  What little time we have left we use for therapy because we have "issues".  Parenting, and date night, have disappeared into oblivion.  When Saturday comes, we're too exhausted to fight so handing the kid $20 to shut him up is quite inviting.  We see them sitting in front of screens and silently are thankful we aren't doing something for or with them.  We're seeking our own time, so we let technology keep them busy until we can get back to them.

The problem is, we never do get back.  Before we know it, it is Monday morning again and it's rinse and repeat.  We  have shown our children that we can be replaced.  We have asked our teachers to go beyond intellectual education and teach our kids behaviors we should have tackled at home before age 5.  We have asked daycare workers, bus drivers, scouting and sports groups to teach our children what we haven't.  We have done this in the search for "comfort" in our financial situation.

When my girls were quite little, I found myself a single welfare mom.  I was 800 miles from family, living in a trailer in the NC woods, and fighting my way to legal freedom.  We had nothing.  If I happened to be out in the evening I would leave a light on so I could tell if the power had been turned off that day.  My girls and I snuggled under several blankets because we couldn't afford fuel oil for heat.  I constantly battled eviction, recovery of child support, and dejection before giving in and moving back to my family.  In that moment, when I gave in and gave up, I felt like the worlds biggest failure.

A couple of decades later, after surviving and thriving, one of my daughters said something that floored me.  She said those years were the happiest of her life.

What?

No cable, phone or extras, and the internet had not been invented  yet, so all we had was each other.  For various reasons, I was unable to work so we literally were living on a $250 welfare check and food stamps.  Rent alone was $275.  I cried myself to sleep almost every night.  This was what they remember as happy?

No it isn't.  What they remember is running in fields of wildflowers.  They remember getting stuck in the tree, or playing games, or cooking together.  They remember the value of friendships and flexibility and creativity.  They remember cutting down a skinny pine from the forest to serve as our Christmas tree and being thrilled with only a handful of gifts from the grandparents underneath.

They cleaned their room and helped with the chores and didn't get an allowance.  Instead they got "thank you" and "well done" and all the fresh fruit the food stamps would buy.

Should we "forgive" student loans?  No.  We should make them fair and affordable, but university education should involve sacrifice.  Should we allow our adult children to continue to live with us indefinitely?  Absolutely not.  We need to set rigid, reasonable goals they have to meet.  Should we be paying for their cellphones?  Are you kidding about this one?  I can see providing an "when you are out" basic phone for emergencies, but other than that they should pay for their own.  We need to be teaching our kids to have empathy, tolerance, patience, and affection.  We need to teach them to cook, clean, and keep up with their health.  We need to teach them that when the alarm clock goes off it means get the hell out of bed and when the rest of the house goes to bed they should too.  We need to never give in, never  undermine our partner and never expect the school to "handle" bad behavior.

We need to recommit.  If we don't, what will our kids ever commit to?