Fish Don't Have Feathers

I have a TBI.  in November of 2017 I was involved in a highway motor vehicle accident.  As a result, I got a very small brain bleed-only about 8mm.  It was just to the right (I think) of center.  What this means is, I had  a brain hemorrhage is bleeding in or around my brain. It  a lot like what happens when you have a stroke. Causes of brain bleeds can include high blood pressure (hypertension), abnormally weak or dilated (aneurysm) blood vessels that leak, drug abuse, and trauma.    In my case, the trauma was being bounced between two cars.

Scary. I look the same but I feel like someone else.
—Ann-Michel

I didn't notice it at first, but almost immediately I started making strange and not the best decisions.  Over the course of a week or two, they tell me, I became irritable and anti-social.  I chalked that up to the horrible pain and soldiered through.  Then I woke up at 3am on my hands and knees about two feet from my bed, with blood everywhere.  Still not making good decisions, I insisted we keep our weekend plans.  By Monday my face was  purple and my doctor sent me to the emergency room.  They did a CT scan and found the little spot.  If it had been bigger, it would have killed me.  Fortunately, it was small and we took a "wait and see" approach.  It healed nicely, but the side effects linger.

I'm by no stretch a "spring chicken", but I'm not even 60 yet, but I felt like I had Alzheimer's.  My memory was spotty, even about thing that happened earlier in the same day.  Computing numbers, patterns, and sequences was nearly impossible.  I couldn't focus on a task for more than a few minutes.  My personality continued to change, and not in a good way.  I was completely unable to contain anger, and I was quite content to hide away in my room all day.  People were beginning to comment.

All this time, I thought it was from the pain.  When I'm hurting, it's exhausting.  It's distracting.  I figured once the pain was under control, it would be better.  Getting the pain under control meant ingesting quite a large amount of narcotics, so I figured when it didn't resolve when the pain was more tolerable, it must be from the drugs.  I soldiered on.

Somehow, and I'm not at all certain how, I ended up with Occupational Therapy.  In just over a year I had intense therapy; almost every day there were worksheets and exercises.  I worked hard.  I pushed probably too much because there were occasional setbacks that just felt like my brain was exhausted. I tried several times to just suck it up and go back to my old life.  I managed only one presentation, but I finished writing a cookbook I had started before the accident.

Now as I approach the second anniversary of the wreck, I can't help but wonder if the residual side effects will ever completely go away. I've learned to manage quite well-I use post it notes, my Alexa, and an online calendar. My family helps remind me when needed.  I write down everything.  Recently we travelled to Ohio to see our grandkids.  About 3 weeks before we left, I sat down and made a list of absolutely everything I had to do to prepare.  It included what (exactly) to pack, the logistics of picking up my daughter across town, and researching hotels along the route.  

I can live with that, if I have to.  I can continue to write down what pill I have taken and when.  I can semi-retire from speaking engagements.  I can take copious amounts of notes.  I can do all those things and appear to be a fully functional human being.  I have been doing that for over a year already.

What people don't see is how hard I work to be "normal", and normal isn't even close to what I used to be.  I was a bright, successful, nurturing, outgoing person.  I could work (and think) circles around my peers (with a few exceptions!).  These people responsible for my recovery and any compensation I may be entitled to can only see what I am now.  They never knew the "real" me.  They didn't listen to radio shows, or attend one of the courses I gave.  They never saw me make good decisions on the fly, sometimes under pressure.  They will never understand what I was really capable of "before".

Once in awhile, they do get to see the psychological effects.  I've always had depression, but this last two years has been the worst of my life.  I'm not actively suicidal though-I have prescriptions and therapy that keep me above ground.  I am, however, deeply, painfully depressed.  I also have PTSD which although I have worked on enough to be able to drive, that doesn't include going any distance by myself or driving at night.  I rarely leave my neighborhood.  So once in awhile they see me break down.  The see the tears roll down my face.  They don't get to see that that happens every single day, at least once, and usually before noon.  They see someone battling depression with moderate success.  The need to see me blubbering like an idiot for absolutely no reason and without provocation.  Staistically, A person with a brain injury is six times more likely to have suicidal thoughts than someone without a brain injury. 

Today I made tuna salad.  That's where the title of this article comes from.  I brought all my ingredients to my desk so I could sit and put it together.  I was adding the flaked tuna and noticed a tiny string-type thing.  I pondered that, finally deciding it was probably just feather they missed when they cleaned it.

What?

It wasn't until an hour or so later that it occurred to me that tuna doesn't have feathers.

That is how this feels.  I've published two cookbooks and cooked a million meals.  I certainly know that tuna doesn't have feathers. Yet here we are.

I still do my "brain exercises" every day, but the insurance cancelled my Occupational Therapy.  After a series of "exams" they ordered done, they have come to the conclusion that I am fine in that regard.  According to them this has nothing to do with the accident, and I don't need any more OT.  Fortunately I still get psychotherapy.  Having to try to prove my issues to insurance examiners is horrendous.  Even when the damage and disability is obvious, the report always says I'm fine.  I've had three examiners, a Neurologist and two Physiotherapists, blatantly lie.  I am thankful every day for my legal team who keeps all this straight and deals with what they can.  Just the Case Manager part of that service is worth millions to me.

I don't know if I will ever be able to return to work.  The job is there, and will be, when and if I can go back.  I desperately want to go back.  I can't; at least for now.

Prognosis?  This from brainline.org:

The effects of moderate to severe TBI can be long lasting or even permanent. While recovery and rehabilitation are possible, most people with moderate to severe TBI face life challenges that will require them to adapt and adjust to a new reality.

 Fortunately, my issues are relatively minor.  It could certainly be a lot worse.  But it used to be a lot better.

If you are interested in ways to help, read these:
https://www.brainline.org/article/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-know
https://www.brainline.org/article/9-things-not-say-someone-brain-injury
https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1112431779865529130#editor/target=post;postID=1986379539142546291
And especially this one
https://www.brainline.org/article/10-things-people-brain-injury-would-hear

Presentism and the Unpopular Opinions I Hold

One of my "middle of the night epiphanies" is about presentism. In case you don't know what that is, here is the Webster's:

presentism noun
pres·​ent·​ism | \ ˈpre-zᵊn-ˌti-zəm \
Definition of presentism
: an attitude toward the past dominated by present-day attitudes and experiences

There is quite a lot of this going on and I've basically had enough. From stay at home moms being judged as "old fashioned" to the whole slavery issue, a great number of people are judging the past based on the morals of today--which may or may not be even good ones.

The latest case in point? Michael Jackson. People are pulling his products, likenesses, etc based on the new HBO documentary where Wade Robson and James Safechuck claim he was a molested them. Now, I'm not saying that MJ is completely innocent of this charge. I personally believed he behaved inappropriately with children. But the backstory here is problematic. CNN says, "Robson made statements in support of Jackson to investigators first in the '90s and testified in support of Jackson at his 2005 trial, where he was acquitted of child molestation and related charges. Safechuck at one point also denied he was molested by Jackson to investigators." In short, been there, done that. The man has been dead almost ten years. I can't see how this helps anyone in any way except maybe the 15 minutes of fame. Additionally, HBO breached a contract with the Jackson estate that specifically said they would not say anything that could be damaging to MJ.

I see this as part of the current trend of presentism. We judge Michael on behavior from when he was in his early 30's even after recognizing that there may have been a problem and that he had a really rotten time of "growing up". I'm not condoning pedophilia or any other sort of abuse. I simply think there are some issues that need to be let go of rather than revisited with modern minds.

Another example is the Kavanaugh inquiry. While I personally think he's a big dump asshat, I object to his appointment based on other factors than him drinking in high school and possibly attempting to rape someone. Sure, if a 17 year old behavior that way today, he would be drawn and quartered. Hopefully. But the reality is, times were different in 1980 and he is different now. Judging an adult man for behaviors occurring 30 years ago is absurd. Especially since one can easily judge him on his behavior during testimony, his racist leanings, and his blind love of tRump. Again, not saying his teenage behavior was right, or a good thing, I'm simply saying there are some issues that need to be let go of rather than revisited with modern minds.

Probably my biggest pet peeve is presentism around the Civil War. People of that era honestly believed that "negroes" were genetically predisposed to being lesser human beings. People of that era saw their livelihoods being legislated away. Southerners, for the most part, believed that Abe Lincoln was pandering to a select group while ignoring the very real needs of southern plantation owners. Remember, there were no factories in the south. Farming was all they had, really. Farming for food, clothing, smoking,turpentine, and booze mostly. Outlawing the use of lesser valued persons meant ruin. Again, not saying that slavery is right--just that society wasn't what we are calling "woke" back then. And just like now, the political machine blew up the evils of slavery to win the war. Not so much different than tRumps immigration policy. Northern slave holders (and yes there were many, including politicians) usually had something they could fall back on like transportation, shipping, and factory incomes. They could take the "hit" of losing labor much better than the plantations. Then it started all over again when the KKK adopted a Confederate Flag. By then we were "woke" enough to understand that white supremacy was bad, but not "woke" enough to understand that the symbols were being bastardized. Today we accept the KKK's symbol as racist and bad when its original use was not at all about bigotry--everyone (pretty much) believed that persons of color were lesser human beings back then, even in the 1950's when the KKK and the Dixiecrat Party adopted the flag and it became a symbol of segregation rather than a symbol of resistance to the government. I find it really ironic that the latest "woke" movement embraces resistance by citing the battle flag as an evil.

I think presentism is rooted in our general lack of empathy. We have become a society where we are too poor, too stressed, too busy, too whatever to take the time to see things from someone else's point of view. We don't make an effort to view things in context. It's much easier to read a headline and not the story. I might be just getting old, but "kids today" seem to not have a clue about empathy. Many of my generation did not teach it to our children. I'm very proud to say that my own kids are very empathetic. Perhaps too empathetic. Now the challenge is to raise our grandkids having no working knowledge of how vitally important empathy is. Gone are the days of close families, home economics classes, and honest patriotism. Those are the things that taught us old folks to think of others and to respect their choices.

Presentism in reverse is also shown in the anti-LGBTQ2+ folks. They are judging "behaviors" that are fine in today's culture based on what they "knew" in their childhood. Worse yet, they are continuing to teach their children these outdated notions; not because they are bad people, but because like the Southerners of the 1800's they feel the very core of their way of life is threatened. This, in one form or another, is the root of bullying and bigotry.

People talk about the future like it's a Bacharach song ("What the world needs now, is love, sweet love"). I don't think that's fair. It's unreasonable and unattainable for various reasons. Most of us can't simply love everyone. In my opinion, what the world needs is empathy. We need to step outside ourselves, our comfort zones, and our nationalism and see others through their own culture. We don't have to agree or accept another's opinions, but we damn sure don't have the right to demand they change them. We can only make and support laws that govern. We don't have the right to accost someone because they are different from us or from what we think the world should be. Someone's sexuality or religion is nobody else's business. Not even pedophiles, frat boys, or bigots. We can and must regulate their public behavior, but we don't have the right or even the responsibility to change their thinking. All we can and should do is model behaviors and beliefs we think are valid and be open to people learning a new way of life. If we don't--if we shut them down and refuse to see things as they see them, we are behaving just like the bullies. That only proves to divide us further.

On the bloody morning after, one tin soldier rides away

Links I drew from:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/presentism
https://www.cnn.com/2019/02/21/entertainment/leaving-neverland-hbo-suit/index.html
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/8-things-didnt-know-confederate-flag
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSBrn6wTZSA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTBx-hHf4BE
https://face2faceafrica.com/article/how-michael-jackson-struggled-with-vitiligo-and-turned-white
http://inthesetimes.com/article/21475/brett-kavanaugh-rape-culture-christine-blasey-ford-sexual-assault
https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/563372234611976058/?lp=true
https://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/e/empathy.asp