I have enough bath SHEETS for my family and any guests. That is how I know I'm wealthy. I've had bath towels, of course, but bath sheets are a luxury I could never have imagined affording. Today as I was folding, and grinning, I contemplated what other "signs" that say I'm wealthy. My husband wouldn't agree that we have any excess funds at all, but he would be very wrong. We may not have money lying around, but we have the privilege of redirecting things should an emergency occur.
When I met my husband, he had been single for 37 years. He lived at home through college and moved out to Ontario from Saskatchewan at 23 or so. He was fully educated, very qualified, had virtually no debt. To me, that reads "came from a wealthy family." We met in mid 1999 while he was living in Toronto and I was raising my girls in Ravenswood, West Virginia. He had transit, a car, a bike, and taxi money. I was driving a car my dad gave me in a town that didn't have a taxi, let alone a transit system. He was buying his underwear at Hudson's Bay, which is sort of like Macy's. He didn't even know Canada HAD WalMarts, let alone shopped at them. He ate out most of the time, had one set of dishes for when he didn't, and wore the same thing to work every day-or at least a copy of it.
A year later he had a wife, two stepdaughters, and a baby on the way. He had paid a great deal of
money for my immigration, our wedding, and a fabulous honeymoon-not to mention my diamond. The day we got engaged, I was visiting Toronto and we were out to lunch. He proposed, I said yes, and that evening we went ring shopping. We walked into the store and there were diamonds everywhere. It was almost blinding. I looked at him for direction, the salesman looked at us eagerly, and my husband said, "Pick out anything you like."
Both the salesman and I nearly fell over. In reality, he simply had no clue what a ring costs, but in my mind he was the most amazing, generous guy I had ever known. I'd never had any kind of engagement ring before, and in fact I had purchased the rings for both husband and wife in my two previous marriages. I looked and looked while the guys looked on. I chose one, and they went to another room to choose a diamond size and make financial arrangements. To be fair, I was not extravagant. I knew I would not be happy with something flashy or heavy. I chose a lovely design and Doug had them put a .75 carat diamond in it. It was exactly right. I don't know how much it cost, but when he put it on his Amex and we walked out with a temporary "brass and glass" version while they CUSTOM MADE mine, and I don't really remember much about the rest of the evening. All I could think of was him putting the ring on his Amex. Back then, at least I think so, personal Amex accounts had to be paid in full each month. That meant that within 30 days or so, this man could put his hands on over a thousand dollars; and he didn't bat an eye.
We had a small wedding in a church (also a first for me) and a reception on a chartered boat. Yes, a sit down dinner for a couple dozen while cruising Lake Ontario at sundown in August. We then drove our new car (actually new, not just new to us) around the US east of the Mississippi for two weeks. It was an amazing bonding experience. We drove across the Chesapeake Bay bridge, through the pines in Alabama, through a forest fire in Arkansas, took a carriage ride in St Louis, and ended the trip in Ohio where my mom was keeping my girls for us. Doug paid for the whole thing.
Six months later he was paying for my surgery to have our son. JD was a surprise, as I had had a tubal ligation in the 1980's. I certainly did not expect to be delivering another baby at 39 years old, in a foreign country. I had friends who were becoming grandmothers! He's now almost 19 and still at home, so our food budget is through the roof!
Twenty years after our first meeting, I'm still a small town girl. My idea of "comfortable" is never worrying if the electric has been shut off. It's binge shopping at DollarTree. It's a new coat every ten years. We are beyond comfortable. Doug says we are middle class. We have everything we need and most of what we want. We travel and sometimes go to premium resorts. We can help our kids if needed and spoil our granddaughters.
I have the weirdest relationship with (most) of my ex-boyfriends. Like sending Christmas cards, when Spring arrives I can count on at least four of them checking in. The first email came today. I'm not in current relationships with anyone but my husband, but that doesn't seem to matter. The connection is intimate but not sexual in any way. It's just good friends, sharing updates and memories. Most of the time I like it, although once in awhile a bad one pops in and I have to process that away.
I find this quite interesting on a couple of levels. First, that these guys even remember me. Some of these relationships date back to the early 1980's! Most of us are nearing retirement age. Most of them I haven't seen since the breakup of the original relationship, but with the internet I'm easy to find so I get emails or Facebook messages. It's really very sweet.
Second, this only happens in the beginning of spring, and it happens every single year. I did a Google search and the first search (Why do old relationships spring up at spring) and got mostly articles on why relationships end in spring. So I changed the search to "Old relationships +Spring). Cosmopolitan Magazine has this:
However, dating coach George Moufarrej, whose book Sexual Euphoria just hit shelves, has some bad (or good!) news for you: Spring flings? Absolutely. Finding lasting love, if you happen to be looking for it? Not quite as likely.
That might be part of it.
The article goes on to talk about how most breakups happen in the Winter, and most short term relationships begin in Spring. Part of this may be tied to Seasonal Affective Disorder; and in the spring it begins to lift and we feel better. The author of this piece also suggests " one can only assume that spring is for rebounds." I'm sure all of this is part of the phenomena of my reconnection. But there has to be more to it, and it appears to be a male thing. I don't know any of my female friends who try to get ahold of old lovers, especially in the Spring.
Searchbox change to "holding onto things from past relationship" gave another bit of a clue. In a Psychology Today article they talk about the negatives of holding on to an old relationship. Reasons like childhood abandonment issues, insecurity, and relying on a partner for the sense of self worth are all part of it too, but the three that I think really fit this are "Unmatched Hole Fillers", romantic fantasies, and fear of failure. Unmatched hole fillers are people who remember what your relationship meant, as in what part of their needs were filled. Obviously not all things were found in the other relationship, but the old "hole" may be rearing its ugly head reminding them of something they got from a relationship with me that they didn't get from anyone else. Mostly, I find that flattering. Romantic fantasies are another biggie I think. As spring begins, we think about new things, about possibilities, and we allow ourselves to wish. Perhaps the need for reconnection stems from a fantasy that things could go back to the good times. They rarely suggest reconnection on that level, which I also take as a compliment. Obviously if it was just a sexual fantasy it could easily be kept to oneself. Another biggie is fear of failure. Nothing makes us feel like more of a loser than a breakup. That's true for both sexes I think. Reconnecting affirms that the other person still finds worth in us. It does that for me, absolutely, but I think it might motivate ex's to check in and get that affirmation.
Also in the same search results was advice on letting go.
Forgive yourself and others. Don’t waste your precious minutes dwelling on the past events. Life is so short that I’m sure you have more important things to think about and lots of goals to achieve. Focus on them instead.
I think that has more to do with holding on to hope and to bad relationship patterns. I don't think it applies here, although I could be wrong. The article almost nails it with ideas on reliving the past, but not quite.
Psychology Today gets closer. They suggest that keeping contact with an ex isn't at all uncommon; about 40% they say.
Who is more likely to stay in touch with an ex? The more serious the status of the current relationship (e.g., married or nearly engaged vs. dating), the less likely participants were to have contact with an ex. However, continued communication with an ex was unrelated to how serious the relationship with the ex had been.
That one caught me off guard, but it shouldn't have. The notion that contact is unrelated to how serious the relationship surprised me. I hadn't really thought about it though. Like most things, I took the reconnection face value. It was only this week I really started to dissect it. So with that in mind, I can certainly see that many of my emails are from guys I wasn't in a serious relationship with. I'm more likely to have frequent contact with the serious exes. I have a past relationship from 1986 who I interact with on Facebook several times a week. Both of us are fine in our current relationships, but we stay friends and it seems to be healthy. Neither of us hide anything from our current partners. Guys in relationships I considered to be more serious do still contact me, but far less frequently.
...it was their feelings about their ex and about the breakup that predicted contact: People were more likely to communicate with exes they still had feelings for. They were also more likely to stay in touch with exes if they felt that the breakup was more positive—characterized by understanding and a lack of mean, nasty behavior.
That statement was heartwarming. It's good to think my exes still have positive feelings for me.
It isn't always good to hear from someone though. Anyone who treated me badly probably won't get a reply unless there is an apology involved. Sometimes those contact emails bring back the pain and loss. It's never intentional--I've never received a note from someone who is mean. But on rare occasions, I have heard from people I'd rather just forget. If they are nice emails, I will respond with polite civility, thanking them for thinking of me and asking how they are doing. I really care about other people and love hearing how they have grown. But if they are mean spirited, I just ignore them. I gave up being a punching bag and a people pleaser long ago.
In the interest of full disclosure, I am guilty of hanging on to two of my past relationships with almost stalker like intensity. In both cases, the breakup was sudden, traumatic, and incredibly painful for all involved. In one case, I Google his name to see how he is doing and have only attempted to contact him twice in over 30 years. I can tell you where he lives though *snicker*. In the other case, it is a relationship I have never let go of and it is brutally unhealthy. I'm currently working with a therapist on this. Although the relationship ended many years ago, the pain and loss are still as fresh as the day it ended. My obsession with him is not good for me. I write him a couple times a year and get no response, which is clearly a sign I should shut up and leave it alone. Intellectually, I know that. My heart just won't let go. On the extremely rare occasion we have been in the same place at the same time, neither of us made contact; even eye contact. I guess I'm a respectful stalker. It's not like I can tell you what he ate for dinner last night, but I know I could reach him by phone, email, or a visit to his home or work at any time. It wouldn't be good for either of us though, so I am not likely to do that. I try very hard not to make my crazy infringe on his peace.
I would be very interested in hearing if this issue happens in same sex relationships as well. Fascinating stuff, our minds.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a12296/spring-dating-expectations/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/rediscovering-love/201708/10-reasons-some-people-just-cant-let-go-ex
https://thoughtcatalog.com/mitzi-j-hernandez/2018/03/this-is-how-holding-on-to-the-past-can-ruin-your-life/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-going-when-you-stay-in-touch-your-ex
Various images found on Google.ca
