Loss

No witty title for this one.

This morning I chatted via Facebook with a young friend who is going through a sudden and unexpected breakup.  His boyfriend is having issues--big ones, like homelessness, and this is perhaps for the best really.  But nobody wants to hear that while they are grieving.  All I could really do is affirm that his feelings are valid, that he is an attractive person, and that he is absolutely still worthy of love.

That got me thinking.  There are lots and lots of losses in our lives.  Lord knows I've had most of them in my 57 years.  Underneath all of them-every single one-is the loss of what was expected.  When we lose a relationship, even if it is our choice, the loss of the expectation of lifelong companionship (and often much more) can be devastating.  When we move, the loss of familiarity, even if it was a crappy existence, is still painful on some level.  When we lose a parent, the loss of that solid rock, or maybe the loss of the opportunity to make everything "right" with them, goes on forever.  When we lose a child, we lose watching all that they would have become.

It's hard to focus on anything outside that pain, at least at first.  We always take it personally-almost narcissitically, and we go through all the stages of grief.  When we support others in their loss,  we have to first understand that right this second, when the loss is fresh and oozing, there is no solace.  Not one bit of it.  Nobody and nothing can take that pain away.  Like a skinned knee, it has to have some time to scab over so that the real injury can begin to heal.

Most of us though have a really bad habit of picking our scabs.  They itch, or we think they look ugly,

or maybe we think the healing is done so the scab must be removed.  We don't think about it at the time, but if we pick at our scabs, the risk of infection is very real.  So it is with life losses.  When we keep our focus on them, when we pick at them all the time, we are asking for worse.  When we open up we risk the opinions of others, or our own negativity, or the cultural grime we live in, making our wound infected. Eventually it turns to a nasty puss that if left untreated can quite literally kill us.

We have to treat loss like an open flesh wound.  We have to pamper, shelter and treat the wound so it doesn't kill us.

Some people are more vulnerable to infection than others.  Think of your immune system.  If you don't make a lot of antibodies, your healing is really really slow.  If you're healthy you may never even be tempted to pick a scab because it heals quickly and doesn't cause us much trouble.  Our past histories are how we build the antibodies.  Once exposed, we are later stronger and more immune when the disease comes around again.  Bd relationships are like the flu; they mutate and the next time it comes around you are immune to most of it but there's that mutation that makes it start again.  "Chicken soup" from others will help us get through the flu but it doesn't cure it or eradicate it from the planet.  A bandaid over our skinned knee protects it somewhat, but we still have to tend to it with neosporin or at least soap and water.  Sometimes even when we do, it still manages to get infected.

So what do you do if you get infected?  Even the most healthy folks occasionally are given a wound that just will not respond to whatever it is we are using to treat it.  Our wounds start to ooze, and we feel worse and worse until we go get it checked.  The doctor can give ua antibiotics and maybe even clean it up a little.  It might be more painful initially, but it will only benefit us in the long run.

So it is with counseling services.  Whether it is from your minister, or a therapist, or even a good friend, we need to reach out to an "expert" to aid our healing.  The deeper the wound, the more experience and education we need to find in our "doctors".  We have to actually believe we are not going to die from this.  We have to ask for and accept the appropriate help.  We have to do the whole treatment plan.

Eventually, all that will be left is a scar.  Scars, even emotional ones, do two important things.  First, it prevents you from getting the same injury in exactly the same way.  We are at least partially protected.  Second, that scar serves as a reminder that you DID heal and you won't put yourself in the position to get injured in that way again.

I have a lot of scars, inside and out.  I've learned to celebrate them as a survivor.  I've grown from each experience, no matter how painful.  You will too, if you do the healing work involved.  You'll  never get a scar until you quit picking at the scab.  And those wounds we pick at, or that run very deep, will leave a much bigger scar.  Honor that.  Know that the bigger the scar, the bigger the recovery has been.

If you find yourself with a pain you can't fix, or a wound that won't heal, see a professional.  They are better prepared to help you heal.  If they offer you helpful drugs, take them.  If they tell you to rest, whatever that means for your particular injury, rest.  And don't forget to go back after  you heal for a checkup.

You got this.

Spring Has Sprung

I have the weirdest relationship with (most) of my ex-boyfriends. Like sending Christmas cards, when Spring arrives I can count on at least four of them checking in. The first email came today. I'm not in current relationships with anyone but my husband, but that doesn't seem to matter. The connection is intimate but not sexual in any way. It's just good friends, sharing updates and memories. Most of the time I like it, although once in awhile a bad one pops in and I have to process that away.



I find this quite interesting on a couple of levels. First, that these guys even remember me. Some of these relationships date back to the early 1980's! Most of us are nearing retirement age. Most of them I haven't seen since the breakup of the original relationship, but with the internet I'm easy to find so I get emails or Facebook messages. It's really very sweet.

Second, this only happens in the beginning of spring, and it happens every single year. I did a Google search and the first search (Why do old relationships spring up at spring) and got mostly articles on why relationships end in spring. So I changed the search to "Old relationships +Spring). Cosmopolitan Magazine has this:

However, dating coach George Moufarrej, whose book Sexual Euphoria just hit shelves, has some bad (or good!) news for you: Spring flings? Absolutely. Finding lasting love, if you happen to be looking for it? Not quite as likely.

That might be part of it.
The article goes on to talk about how most breakups happen in the Winter, and most short term relationships begin in Spring. Part of this may be tied to Seasonal Affective Disorder; and in the spring it begins to lift and we feel better. The author of this piece also suggests " one can only assume that spring is for rebounds." I'm sure all of this is part of the phenomena of my reconnection. But there has to be more to it, and it appears to be a male thing. I don't know any of my female friends who try to get ahold of old lovers, especially in the Spring.

Searchbox change to "holding onto things from past relationship" gave another bit of a clue. In a Psychology Today article they talk about the negatives of holding on to an old relationship. Reasons like childhood abandonment issues, insecurity, and relying on a partner for the sense of self worth are all part of it too, but the three that I think really fit this are "Unmatched Hole Fillers", romantic fantasies, and fear of failure. Unmatched hole fillers are people who remember what your relationship meant, as in what part of their needs were filled. Obviously not all things were found in the other relationship, but the old "hole" may be rearing its ugly head reminding them of something they got from a relationship with me that they didn't get from anyone else. Mostly, I find that flattering. Romantic fantasies are another biggie I think. As spring begins, we think about new things, about possibilities, and we allow ourselves to wish. Perhaps the need for reconnection stems from a fantasy that things could go back to the good times. They rarely suggest reconnection on that level, which I also take as a compliment. Obviously if it was just a sexual fantasy it could easily be kept to oneself. Another biggie is fear of failure. Nothing makes us feel like more of a loser than a breakup. That's true for both sexes I think. Reconnecting affirms that the other person still finds worth in us. It does that for me, absolutely, but I think it might motivate ex's to check in and get that affirmation.

Also in the same search results was advice on letting go.

Forgive yourself and others. Don’t waste your precious minutes dwelling on the past events. Life is so short that I’m sure you have more important things to think about and lots of goals to achieve. Focus on them instead.

I think that has more to do with holding on to hope and to bad relationship patterns. I don't think it applies here, although I could be wrong. The article almost nails it with ideas on reliving the past, but not quite.

Psychology Today gets closer. They suggest that keeping contact with an ex isn't at all uncommon; about 40% they say.

Who is more likely to stay in touch with an ex? The more serious the status of the current relationship (e.g., married or nearly engaged vs. dating), the less likely participants were to have contact with an ex. However, continued communication with an ex was unrelated to how serious the relationship with the ex had been.

That one caught me off guard, but it shouldn't have. The notion that contact is unrelated to how serious the relationship surprised me. I hadn't really thought about it though. Like most things, I took the reconnection face value. It was only this week I really started to dissect it. So with that in mind, I can certainly see that many of my emails are from guys I wasn't in a serious relationship with. I'm more likely to have frequent contact with the serious exes. I have a past relationship from 1986 who I interact with on Facebook several times a week. Both of us are fine in our current relationships, but we stay friends and it seems to be healthy. Neither of us hide anything from our current partners. Guys in relationships I considered to be more serious do still contact me, but far less frequently.

...it was their feelings about their ex and about the breakup that predicted contact: People were more likely to communicate with exes they still had feelings for. They were also more likely to stay in touch with exes if they felt that the breakup was more positive—characterized by understanding and a lack of mean, nasty behavior.

That statement was heartwarming. It's good to think my exes still have positive feelings for me.

It isn't always good to hear from someone though. Anyone who treated me badly probably won't get a reply unless there is an apology involved. Sometimes those contact emails bring back the pain and loss. It's never intentional--I've never received a note from someone who is mean. But on rare occasions, I have heard from people I'd rather just forget. If they are nice emails, I will respond with polite civility, thanking them for thinking of me and asking how they are doing. I really care about other people and love hearing how they have grown. But if they are mean spirited, I just ignore them. I gave up being a punching bag and a people pleaser long ago.


In the interest of full disclosure, I am guilty of hanging on to two of my past relationships with almost stalker like intensity. In both cases, the breakup was sudden, traumatic, and incredibly painful for all involved. In one case, I Google his name to see how he is doing and have only attempted to contact him twice in over 30 years. I can tell you where he lives though *snicker*. In the other case, it is a relationship I have never let go of and it is brutally unhealthy. I'm currently working with a therapist on this. Although the relationship ended many years ago, the pain and loss are still as fresh as the day it ended. My obsession with him is not good for me. I write him a couple times a year and get no response, which is clearly a sign I should shut up and leave it alone. Intellectually, I know that. My heart just won't let go. On the extremely rare occasion we have been in the same place at the same time, neither of us made contact; even eye contact. I guess I'm a respectful stalker. It's not like I can tell you what he ate for dinner last night, but I know I could reach him by phone, email, or a visit to his home or work at any time. It wouldn't be good for either of us though, so I am not likely to do that. I try very hard not to make my crazy infringe on his peace.

I would be very interested in hearing if this issue happens in same sex relationships as well. Fascinating stuff, our minds.






https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a12296/spring-dating-expectations/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/rediscovering-love/201708/10-reasons-some-people-just-cant-let-go-ex
https://thoughtcatalog.com/mitzi-j-hernandez/2018/03/this-is-how-holding-on-to-the-past-can-ruin-your-life/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-going-when-you-stay-in-touch-your-ex
Various images found on Google.ca