Moral Dilemmas

I was recently offered the opportunity to write for mountaineer.net, a new online news magazine.  The publisher is someone I knew from radio decades ago who I kept track of via facebook.  It turns out he was reading my posts, admired my writing, and made the offer.

I jumped at the chance.  Not for the byline or any other compensation, but for the stability.  A popular, current publication keeps me focused.  In my excitement I've written many, which he's been inundated with.  My other blogs have suffered, but I'm working on that.  Sadly, it's quiet times for Canadian cryptozoology.

In the process of getting reacquainted, I probably over-shared personal information.  I may have told him things about his older brother he didn't know-although I assumed he did, as we all worked together.  In any event, it was back in the 90's and has all been worked through, so it never occurred to me to be embarrassed or that it could possibly be inappropriate.  I don't, in fact, know if he WAS embarrassed, as I haven't heard a word from him since. 

I'm not in panic mode.  I know he is VERY busy and has a family and another job.  I haven't sent him any articles that are inappropriate in any way, as I know the publication has and wants to keep a very clean reputation.  Plus, it's only been a week and during that week there were a million changes due to COVID-19 that affected both our countries.  Mostly, he seems like a good guy with a terrific work ethic.  I think he would tell me if he had a problem or wanted me to stop submitting articles.

It made me think though.  I'm not often involved in professional

things with people from my personal life.  I put that behind me as I matured.  This editor and I were never "involved", and really barely knew each other, so that's not an issue.  But his friendship is kind of important to me right now and I hope I didn't screw that up.  More importantly, I hope outing his brother's choices from 1996-98 doesn't cause a problem with THEIR relationship.

I've presented him with a moral dilemma because I didn't think one of my choices through.  I regret that of course, but it kind of is one of my ongoing personality traits.  I'm also not very good at keeping secrets, so be warned.

A Crisis is a Crisis

I recently realized that I was once someone's midlife crisis.  It kind of bums me out, because this was a man I thought I was in love with, and who loved me too.  It was already complicated, as both of us were married.  He told me I made him feel good. 

We met and fell hard.  It honestly did not seem like a purely sexual thing.  He was successful and intense.  I was bored and picky.  We didn't jump right into bed, but rather talked and talked and talked until we couldn't put it off any longer.  

I knew he had never cheated before.  I had.  He was mid 40's, I wasn't.  We were an unlikely pair, and it wasn't something we were going to divorce for.  We honestly thought we could do this side thing forever.  We both had kids, and jobs, and lives.  We just wanted to feel good again.  Talking to each other gave us that and much more.  Eventually, we went to a local hotel and to be honest, it was magical.  At least at first.  Then, immediately after consummation, he was zapped with a hearty dose of guilt.  He apologized and we left.  In the parking lot he apologized again, asked if I was okay, and drove out.  Then he stopped, got out of his car, and looked back at me.  It was one of three movie-worthy moments of my romantic life, actually.  Then he got back into his car and drove away.  I never spoke with him again.

His guilt was too much for him to bear, and he ended things very politely and with great care.  I appreciated that then and still do.  I wanted to be angry, and I definitely hurt, but I couldn't fault him for following his morality.  I couldn't fault him for being civil.  I wanted to, basically, fault him.  I was more angry about that than the breakup.  We had exchanged a couple of "exit interview" type letters, so there was the elusive closure folks talk about.  We walked away, albeit reluctantly, for the greater good.

For the next 5 years I mourned him.  I looked for him everywhere.  I wrote poems about loss and hurt.  I followed his career as best I could, and silently celebrated his successes.  As my marriage fell apart I desperately hoped--believed, actually--that in the end we would be together somehow.  Every man I got close to was compared to him.  Relationships were judged against how I felt during time with him.  I occasionally wrote to him, but he didn't answer.  I'm sure he worried I would interfere with his life in some way, but I didn't.  We ran into each other a couple of times, in passing, but didn't show we even recognized each other.

Then one day, after the internet became a huge part of my life, I looked for him there.  He was still married, still working, still in his old life.  I felt a little pity, as I knew he probably wasn't getting all he really needed.  I felt a little sad too.  Then came the illumination.  The search results yielded a few things that were actually related to him, but also tens of thousands of things that were not about him.  One of those things, coincidentally or not, was an article on midlife crisis.

I read the words and realized that's what the whole thing was an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age."  Further reading on the subject showed that "midlife" was about 45 years old.  The term was coined in 1965 as a psychological issue, primarily in men although the vast majority of men never had it.

The dictionary defines this as

 an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age.

Typically it starts with some sort of major stressor.  In his case, it was a significant job change.  A few months earlier he had lost his father.  One of the things that struck me in the American Psychological Association notes is that men believe their life needs to be lived as expected.  This was actually something we talked about several times--he felt there were certain things a man/son/dad/husband/boss had to do, to be, and he wasn't living up to that.

Wikipedia says that an American cultural stereotype of a man going through a midlife crisis may include the purchase of a luxury item such as an exotic car, or seeking intimacy with a younger woman. He already had a cadillac. I guess I was the other option. Those experiencing a mid-life crisis may feel:

• a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
• a fear of humiliation among more successful colleagues
• longing to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
• need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
• a heightened sense of their sexuality or lack thereof
• ennui, confusion, resentment or anger due to their discontent with their marital, work, health, economic, or social status
• ambitious to right the missteps they feel they have taken early in life

I think that's where I missed something.  He had told me he wanted to feel handsome, sexy, smart, important, worthy, and many other things.  He told me I gave him that.  I guess I just didn't realize he NEEDED those things, badly enough to compromise his morality.  A website called "Verywell Mind" (as if that actually exists!) says that midlife crisis may well be the unhappiest time of a person's life.  I definitely sensed that in him and was pleased to be able to help him feel better.  That was actually one of the things I was missing-the feeling of being needed.

Top Ten Signs of Midlife Crisis (according to Personal Tao)

• Desiring to quit a good job.
• Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy.
• Changing or investigating religions, churches or philosophy.
• Change of habits. Activities which used to bring pleasure now are boring. Unable to complete or concentrate on tasks which used to be easy.
• Excessively buying new clothes and taking more time to look good.
• Wanting to run away to somewhere new.
• A desire or obsession to get into physical shape.
• Irritability or unexpected anger.
• Leaving (Mentally or Physically) family or feeling trapped in current family relationships.
• Looking into the mirror and you no longer recognize yourself.

The ones in italics are the ones that seem to apply here.  Those are things that people with depression have pretty much all the time, which  may be why I didn't see them as "crisis".

Midlife affairs are common.  Just the fear of an affair can ironically destroy a relationship. Even worse most people aren’t prepared to deal with the aftermath of an affair. The turmoil of emotions between you and your partner (and the extra partner) creates a blizzard of conflicting problems.   It also destroys who you are at your core the first time you do this.  Instead of finding purpose, you end up feeling even worse.

A midlife affair typically lasts between 3 months to two years. Virtually none of them last past two years.  There are a few exceptions, and special circumstances, but it's not a long term thing.  And the longer it goes on, the more pain when it's over.  I think in that moment, when he realized that what we had was an affair, the culmination of all those things hit him like a freight train.  I can forgive him for that.

An affair is the symptom of deeper problems within a marriage.   It's crucial to address the cause at it's root, or you will never find any sort of happiness.   It's also deeply personal, so while friends might mean well they can't know what you are going through.  Ignore any advice and follow your heart and the feedback from your partner.  It takes skill, deep patience and kindness to work thru the complexities of a midlife affair gracefully.  Much of that "work" isn't done just by you.  You have to own not only how you got to that point but what you honestly need to get past it.  Forgiving yourself for a perceived weakness is probably the hardest, and in fact was likely the stressor that started you on this path to begin with.  We are all too self critical, and this fellow was the worst.  I'm certain he never told a soul.

It might be necessary to seek some professional help.  I did, eventually, and it got me to the attitude I have now about the whole thing.  It happened.  It ended.  Let go.  Seems so simple, but sure wasn't.  The loss of that relationship was my own crisis that I had to deal with silently for years.  I mourned it far more than the loss of my marriage-perhaps because I valued it more.  Knowing that truth about myself was crucial to understanding what happened.

Healing an affair, no matter what your role in it,  is a process that takes a while to fix.  All these years later I'm still processing.  I've stopped mourning, but I seek to understand everything about it-from my own motivation to step away from the marriage to his ability to resolve this and go own with his.  I seriously doubt he ever told his wife, or that he got any sort of professional help.  More likely he suffered in silence until he managed to stuff it so far down it never came up again.

If you find yourself the spouse of a cheater, there will be  a lot of soul searching.  Can you get past the anger and despair and need for giving punishment?  Most can't, not really, and they just end up delaying the end of the marriage for sometimes years.  Even if you consciously forgive, there may still be long term, horrible feelings tucked away that could resurface at any time. Those same buried feelings may tempt you to walk away from your own values at some point.  Most partners will lie or hide the problems even deeper. Prepare yourself before any revelations or confrontations.

Never confront the person your partner is having an affair  with or  the spouse he's cheating on.   Just don't do it.  It will only make things worth all the way around.  

I often think that if my husband had found out about the affair he wouldn't do anything, and by not doing anything it would only have made things emotionally worse for me.  Being ignored means that everything stays the same, and that he didn't have enough respect or investment to deal with it.  He wouldn't have done confrontation well, so I'm sure he would have avoided that at all cost. Additionally, he would never have addressed the issue that was at the core of my infidelity.  Ironically, it was that he didn't seem to have respect or investment.  Both of us would have to decide to start over, with forgiveness and trust.  That clearly would not be possible, so it was never attempted.

Key to resolving an affair is to remove judgement.   This includes everyone understanding that there is no "blame"or guilt for ourselves or our partners.  That's incredibly difficult.  You have to completely let go of ALL the relationships and establish a new friendship with your partner.  It's a lot of work and often can't be done while still married and/or living together.  Do what you have to do if keeping the relationship is important.  If it isn't, then walk away and let the other person recover and get back to happiness.

You have to do this in the relationship with yourself as well.  And on top of that is the grief of hurting TWO people--your partner and your "extra".  Not everyone has that strength and will spend a lifetime in secret guilt.  It's important to understand that wishing for  a happy ending is not the same as actively changing your life to create a it.  It takes time. For most people, this will be the hardest test they ever face in their life.

As the "other woman" I had to not only forgive myself (and him, and even my husband) but I had to allow myself to grieve.  Doing this privately, silently, was brutal.  It wasn't until I sought counseling that I was finally able to process everything.  I still grieve the loss of the relationship with that guy.  I still accept that if he were to show up today I would step right back in.  I'm still working through that.  But the guilt is gone.  The anger is gone.  The sense of betrayal on all sides is gone.  People often tell me they think I am brave, usually based on whatever illness or abuse I have survived.  It is the ability to get through the losses involved with this affair that required the most bravery.  I had to (have to?) live my life and grow, and hanging on to any of the emotion hinders that.  As painful as this was, as shredded as I felt, it did give me some wisdom.  I did make me more compassionate.  It did change me in positive ways.

More reading

https://www.apa.org/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis
https://books.google.ca/books?id=y5nTBgAAQBAJ&dq=Massachusetts+General+Hospital+comprehensive+clinical+psychiatry&redir_esc=y&hl=en
https://personaltao.com/midlife-crisis/